1. uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
This rightly describes me today. You see a dear friend passed away yesterday. He is the father-in-law of my best friend, but he came to have a special place in my family’s lives. “Papa,” as we called him, together with his wife “Oma”, opened their home in the summers for quite a few backyard pool parties.
And then they enveloped us in their hearts, loving our kids, coming to our home for parties, and including us in their family gatherings.
But the most precious piece of our friendship with “Papa” was that a couple of years ago he came to know Jesus Christ as his personal friend and savior! The transformation was real and instant. His eyes were brighter, his smile more prolonged, and grace grew in him.
And that is why today I feel ambivalent! I am in sorrow, his loss is felt deeply. But I rejoice that his healing is complete, his joy is full and he is enjoying the presence of Jesus Christ TODAY! Something I have longed to share.
I am smiling, while the tears are falling. I am singing, while my heart is weeping.
Advent is a similar feeling for me. I rejoice over the bounty God has given to me, but I sorrow over relationships strained and lost. I sing that Christ has already come as a babe in the manger and rescued me from my self-destruction. But I long for his second coming when we will all be taken home for the feast and home that Papa is now enjoying.
It is strange to be always standing between the two ends of emotions.
But I will sit and meditate on how God must have felt when his son left the throne room to be with us. Sorrowed at what task he knew his son would face on Calvary yet rejoicing in the redemption soon available for mankind.